


Lovers when it's cold

by BlackHellKitty



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Inspired by Music, Jack Strivy, Lovers when it's cold, M/M, Steve Rogers Feels, Story related to a Song, others are homophobic, takes place before the war and before the events of Captain America, they both love each other but will never tell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:38:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5394512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackHellKitty/pseuds/BlackHellKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky loves Steve, Steve loves Bucky. But the people of their time would never accept... </p><p>The story interprets the song "Lovers when it's cold" from Jack Strivy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lovers when it's cold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jack Strivy](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Jack+Strivy).



> The characters don't belong to me, I just play with them. :) 
> 
> The song-text is written by Jack Strivy. Please check it out on Youtube - it's fantastic!

Fingers pressing deeply  
Wrapped in energy  
Every inch of you is every inch of me  
Tangled in a twist of curiosity

 

You press your fingers deep into the sheets, the air stroking my lips with every breath you take. I don’t know where to put my hands. I know you’re fast asleep, but I’m still insecure. Maybe you would notice, maybe I would fall asleep like this and you would be afraid when you awake. You could be angry with me and I don’t want to risk what we have. I feel your cold feet next to my legs and the heat radiating from your stomach. You always have cold hands and feet - like a dame. 

I inhale deeply. I can smell the cheap soap we use, the smell of the meal we had and underneath I can smell you. This wonderful scent of paper and coal, of friendship and home. Your hands lie next to my chest. It’s kind of awkward, but it looks like you want to grab the shirt I’m wearing. Your head is placed on my right arm and I’m still so unsure what to do with my left one. Carefully I lie it around your waist, always aware to pull it away in case you wake up. I could stroke your back like this but I’m too afraid. I let my hand hang down a bit awkwardly, concentrating on the feeling of your body rise and fall under my arm. We’re always so close when we lie like this, sometimes I think we are one. That every inch of you is every inch of me. Not just our bodies but our souls. And I still wish I could be closer to you, Stevie. 

I’m so curious what it would feel like. What you would feel like, if we weren’t just sleeping next to each other. If we could do the things I dream about every night. 

Don’t think that I didn’t try to stop this thoughts. I know they are wrong, I know I could get killed if anyone would ever get to know. But I failed. I failed miserable. I love you, Steve - that’s all I want to say, but nothing comes over my lips. Not even a whisper in the night. It will be my sweet secret and also my sweet promise forever. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Everything we're sure of in insecurity  
We're falling in between  
Our lost reality  
And we just long to crave again

 

It’s still dark outside when I wake up. I can feel warmth next to me and around me. I risk a glance to look what causes this warmth on my back. You’ve got your arm wrapped around me, your big hand on my back. I gasp. What does this mean? It means nothing, I remind myself. You just hold me warm that I won’t get ill again. There isn’t more! There ain’t the feelings I wish for. 

But I have these feelings. Forbidden feelings. Abnormal feelings. Sometimes I wish I could tell you, Buck. But I would destroy everything then, wouldn’t I? I can be sure of you being there and still I’m so insecure of my feelings. Would you be angry? Would you hit me? 

I think you won’t. But you would leave me. Or wouldn’t you? 

Your lips are so close to mine, your breath stroking my skin. I want to kiss you. To feel your lips on mine, your hands on places where they’ll never be. Do you feel the same? Maybe your hand on my back does mean something. Ain’t I allowed to hope? 

Yet we are friends, but we could never be lovers. We are falling in between these two words. One isn’t reality anymore and the other one will never be. 

I just want to be yours. I don’t want to see you any longer with these dames. Don’t want to play this game anymore. These double-dates when you take me to another of your parties. I just crave for you, can’t you see that? 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

When we love - We lie  
You're my favorite waste of time  
When we love - We die  
Yet I need you by my side  
We're only lovers when it's cold  
We're only lovers when it's cold

 

It’s one of that evenings again. I really needed to get out. Sometimes there’s too less space in our little flat. And it really drives me mad when I lie next to you every night and I’m not allowed to touch you like I want to. 

I’m dancing with one of the dames we met at the party. Her friend is sitting next to you, waiting for you to ask her for a dance, too. Why don’t you want to dance with her? I don’t understand you sometimes. You have never eyes for them. Why? Sometimes I wondered if you may like boys. If you like the things that are forbidden but oh so sweet. 

I wouldn’t say that I’m completely into men. I’m just into you, Stevie. I look at you, your lips red from the cheap wine you’re drinking, your eyes so blue like the sky. You’re so small that you would fit as easily in my arms like the dame I’m dancing with. The girl sitting next to you is even a bit taller. Your hair is too long again. I will help you cut it next week when the temperatures might get a bit warmer again. 

“Hey, I’m here”, the girl in my arms protests when she realizes that I stare at someone else over her shoulders. “And you won’t get anywhere else”, I flirt and kiss her on her lipstick red lips. It’s all a lie what I’m doing here. I don’t like her, I don’t love her. The ‘love’ I give to her is nothing but a lie. I love you, Stevie. Just you, I suddenly realize. 

“Sorry, gotta go”, I mumble and ditch her on the dancefloor. She protests when I go away, but she doesn’t run after me. I haste through the hall to your table and grab your hand. “Let’s go home, it’s late, isn’t it?” The girl next to you looks as eased as you do, when you say your goodbye to her. 

I realized something when I kissed the girl on the dancefloor. I don’t want her. I don’t want anybody. All I want and ever will is you. You’re the only person I wish to spend time with. 

When we enter our flat, laughing because of the haste and the jokes I told you, your cheeks are blushed. It only makes your hair look like gold and I wish I could kiss you. But I don’t. 

I could never do this. I could never destroy what we have now just to find out what you taste like. Even if you were ok with it - they would find out. They would find out and they would kill us both. I would be ok if they would kill me. If I would have the chance to love you just for one night then I’ll be ok with it. But they would kill you, too. And I could never forgive myself for that. I want to protect you, to be your guardian. And that means that I will never be able to tell you how I feel. 

After a while we decide to go to bed. The flat is nearly as cold as the weather outside and so we climb in bed together again. Will it always be like this? You and me - we’re only lovers when it’s cold. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Blind infatuation   
I can't get away  
Even if I could I'd be whipped back by your chains  
ed up like an iv   
Floating through my bloodstream  
Twisted sick addiction  
You're my lucid dream

 

Your laugh. If there would be just one sound in the world I would be able to hear for the rest of my life, I wish it would be your laugh. When you grabbed my hand this evening and told me to go home I couldn’t even hold back my blind infatuation for you. I wasn’t even a bit sorry for leaving the party. 

“Good night, Buck”, I whisper when you turn off the light and crawl in bed right behind me. I can feel your body next to mine, can feel your muscles pressed to my back. I know you just wanna show me that you don’t have enough room in the small bed and that I should slip away but I can’t. I could never get away from you, even if I tried hard. There would always be these invisible chains connecting me to you and pulling me back again. 

You’re like a drug for me, you crawl through my blood and through my head and you will never let my heart go, won’t you? Sometimes I feel nearly thick just because I can’t love you the way I want to. I’m completely addicted to you and I think this’ll never stop. And I should be really afraid of it but I’m not. When I’m true to myself its right the other way. The only thing that makes me better again, when I’m ill is you. It’s not the medicine and the soups you give me. It’s you, Bucky. You’re my light. My life. My everything. When I dream of a perfect life, I dream just of you. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

And we are  
And we fall  
And we break  
And we crawl  
Back to where we started from

 

When I crawl in bed behind you there’s too less space for me and I have to lie close to you. Maybe I wouldn’t have to lie this close but I can’t help myself. I have to be carefully. I shouldn’t do that. 

I count on you to slip away but you don’t. You just lie there, eyes closed, your body so near to mine. Are you already asleep, Stevie? You ain’t. I know you too well. What are you thinking right now? 

That we’re best friends? I inhale your scent. God help me, I love you, Steve. Do you love me, too? 

But we would fall. If we would ever be together the way I wish to, we would fly like the angels in heaven and we would fall. And they would try to break us, to break our wings. They would never understand. And if they wanted to break me they would hurt you. And we would have to crawl back to where we started from if they wouldn’t even kill us. 

I snuggle a bit closer if that’s still possible. I will never tell you, Stevie. I love you and you will never know, because we’re only lovers when it’s cold.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked the story. :) 
> 
> If you did please leave Kudos, Bookmarks or Comments - these make my day! <3 
> 
> Love, Kitty


End file.
